Release the brain fart

I began this year doing pretty well with my weight loss. I was putting effort into eating right, I was going to PT on time, I was doing extra PT at home. I mean, I was a fucking beast. I can do at least 3 pushups now. That may not mean much to you, but for someone with no upper body strength and who was pretty much a lazy piece of shit that means plenty! I’m sure I can run and do more situps than I ever could before.

However, now I seem to be going backwards instead of forward. I don’t know what happened. Maybe it was the building stress, maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the lack of sex, who really knows. But one day I got up and I was pretty much going food crazy. I was eating everything like a mad woman.


I would then look at my growing pudge and tell myself, It’s okay, You can work it off tomorrow…I’m still waiting for tomorrow to come.

I have this one friend that has a habit of putting me down all the time. Friends apparently do that, but there’s a certain tone and process that one goes about when insulting a friend. For one, when you can obviously see that they feel gross, you don’t tell them that they are gross. It hurts, it sucks, and for a while I felt like absolute shit and wanted to stab her in the eye with a ballpoint papermate black ink pen. I sat in my bedroom and wallowed for a bit while the voice in my head was going “I am a fucking loser” with my hands widespread in the air, shouting up to the rainbows. Then I got over it. I literally woke up and said this bitch has nothing on me. And you know why? Because I’m awesome. duh.


I haven’t written about love in a while and let me tell you, not thinking about that shit has done wonders for my health. I love my boyfriend dearly and although things seemed rough for a moment, I realized that it was all in my head. I was manifesting problems that were not there because my heart is obviously full of shit, So I had to remind her kindly to mind her gotdamn motherfucking business and that her job was pump blood and not a damn thing else.

I’ve seen people do some crazy shit for love and It concerns me a little. I mean, if the world was the kind of place where you had to shoot yourself to show your love, I’m sure a lot of people would be dead. Why? Because they like the attention and want to make it seem like they have the perfect love life. Now, I’m not saying I don’t love my boyfriend enough to shoot myself, but If I had to, I was shooting myself in the leg. The thigh preferably. I mean, I love you, but I’m not a friggin idiot.

To add to that, Have you noticed how people make everything harder than it should be? A yes or not question can turn into an essay sometimes and I think that’s what makes things difficult. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes you may be wrong, but shit, it’s better than beating around the bush. At the end, your choices are what matters. Ask me if I want to beat certain people in the head with a 40 pound rucksack. Of course I do. I’ll tell you yes. I’ll yell it to the high heavens. That doesn’t mean I’m going to do it though….yet.

Jurassic Park is in 3D, so it’s pretty much like Titanic and the Lion King on the list of movies that are ancient but were remade so you can see the shit flying at you to give you a semi-heart attack and so you can waste your money to see the exact same fucking movie you watched a decade ago.

But I digress.

I saw someone write “Rawr” means I love you in dinosaur. And I admit, I used to write it too because it sounded cute…until I realized how moronic it is. This isn’t “A land before time” Little foot may have made you believe that dinosaurs are cute and musical but Even little foot can stomp the shit out of you on a good day just because she/he/it could. What the hell was little foot anyways? A guy? If so, clearly he needed to hit puberty with that high pitched, whiny voice.

If you have never seen Jurrasic Park or any dinosaur movie, then I suggest you take a gander at them and you will learn that “rawr” doesn’t mean “I love you” it means “I’m going to fucking eat you.”

You know what’s sexy? Suits and Uniform oh, and my guy’s sleepy voice.  I don’t know why but these make my hormones levels raise to heights that would one would consider above and beyond normal.




The Devil Wears Heels

I’m not much of a girly girl at all.

Now and again I may break out in a moment where I do the hair thing and the makeup (cough not really cough), but I really just can’t get into it like a lot of my friends. I’m not into keeping up with the latest fashion, I don’t care about style. I just want to be comfortable. I prefer T-shirts 3 times my size and hoodies and I love jeans. Most of the time I’m not even wearing clothes. I’ll be damned if I have to be fully clothed in my own home. I don’t do my hair often and I wear a durag on my head most of the time or I’m rocking the ponytail to its death. Shoe wise? My biggest problem comes in the form of the devil’s ultimate creation.

High Heels.

I hate those things. Mostly because I can’t walk in them and I can’t walk in them because I had no practice and I had no practice because I never had to wear them! I wasn’t pressured into wearing them. I didn’t have the type of friends that cared about things like that, and my family isn’t one of those families that care about them either. I like my sneakers and sandals. Why would I want to wear Heels, only to have them on for 10 minutes and have to change out of them into sandals anyways because my feet start to hurt? That just seems stupid.

However, lately, I feel like less of a woman because of it.

I look at pictures of everyone else going out and they look so lovely in them and then I look down at my feet and feel so ashamed. I mean, I have awesome legs, it comes with being damn near 6ft tall, so why not show them off? But at the same time I don’t want to embarrass myself and fall flat on my face trying to impress the masses who probably don’t give a damn anyways.

Curse my unstable equilibrium.

I do have some friends who try to get me to wear them and I wish they would understand that they are outside of my comfort zone and maybe they should just leave me alone until I am ready to wear them myself. Forcing me to do it will make me just run from them more. So It may make me a social pariah in the community of women, but that’s okay.

Some of them are really pretty though. I’m tempted on many occasions to buy some and practice walking in them. They do make me feel a lot sexier.

But On the other hand I like to think about it this way.

While They may look better than me wearing them, should there come a time when a derange psychopath chases us on a night out and they’re busy getting out of their shoes, I’ll be hauling ass down the stretch in my slippers.

Bound To You – Christina Aguilera (Burlesque)

This song speaks to me so much that it scares me.
Might I add that Christina has been blessed with such a wonderful voice. It gives me goosebumps really. I wish I could sing like this..or at all. If you couldn’t tell, I’m doing that over thinking thing again and that’s what led to me listening to the song. I love this movie also. If I was sexier, I would so love to be a burlesque dancer if only for a day.