Release the brain fart

I began this year doing pretty well with my weight loss. I was putting effort into eating right, I was going to PT on time, I was doing extra PT at home. I mean, I was a fucking beast. I can do at least 3 pushups now. That may not mean much to you, but for someone with no upper body strength and who was pretty much a lazy piece of shit that means plenty! I’m sure I can run and do more situps than I ever could before.

However, now I seem to be going backwards instead of forward. I don’t know what happened. Maybe it was the building stress, maybe it was hormones, maybe it was the lack of sex, who really knows. But one day I got up and I was pretty much going food crazy. I was eating everything like a mad woman.

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I would then look at my growing pudge and tell myself, It’s okay, You can work it off tomorrow…I’m still waiting for tomorrow to come.

I have this one friend that has a habit of putting me down all the time. Friends apparently do that, but there’s a certain tone and process that one goes about when insulting a friend. For one, when you can obviously see that they feel gross, you don’t tell them that they are gross. It hurts, it sucks, and for a while I felt like absolute shit and wanted to stab her in the eye with a ballpoint papermate black ink pen. I sat in my bedroom and wallowed for a bit while the voice in my head was going “I am a fucking loser” with my hands widespread in the air, shouting up to the rainbows. Then I got over it. I literally woke up and said this bitch has nothing on me. And you know why? Because I’m awesome. duh.

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I haven’t written about love in a while and let me tell you, not thinking about that shit has done wonders for my health. I love my boyfriend dearly and although things seemed rough for a moment, I realized that it was all in my head. I was manifesting problems that were not there because my heart is obviously full of shit, So I had to remind her kindly to mind her gotdamn motherfucking business and that her job was pump blood and not a damn thing else.

I’ve seen people do some crazy shit for love and It concerns me a little. I mean, if the world was the kind of place where you had to shoot yourself to show your love, I’m sure a lot of people would be dead. Why? Because they like the attention and want to make it seem like they have the perfect love life. Now, I’m not saying I don’t love my boyfriend enough to shoot myself, but If I had to, I was shooting myself in the leg. The thigh preferably. I mean, I love you, but I’m not a friggin idiot.

To add to that, Have you noticed how people make everything harder than it should be? A yes or not question can turn into an essay sometimes and I think that’s what makes things difficult. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes you may be wrong, but shit, it’s better than beating around the bush. At the end, your choices are what matters. Ask me if I want to beat certain people in the head with a 40 pound rucksack. Of course I do. I’ll tell you yes. I’ll yell it to the high heavens. That doesn’t mean I’m going to do it though….yet.

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Jurassic Park is in 3D, so it’s pretty much like Titanic and the Lion King on the list of movies that are ancient but were remade so you can see the shit flying at you to give you a semi-heart attack and so you can waste your money to see the exact same fucking movie you watched a decade ago.

But I digress.

I saw someone write “Rawr” means I love you in dinosaur. And I admit, I used to write it too because it sounded cute…until I realized how moronic it is. This isn’t “A land before time” Little foot may have made you believe that dinosaurs are cute and musical but Even little foot can stomp the shit out of you on a good day just because she/he/it could. What the hell was little foot anyways? A guy? If so, clearly he needed to hit puberty with that high pitched, whiny voice.

If you have never seen Jurrasic Park or any dinosaur movie, then I suggest you take a gander at them and you will learn that “rawr” doesn’t mean “I love you” it means “I’m going to fucking eat you.”

You know what’s sexy? Suits and Uniform oh, and my guy’s sleepy voice.  I don’t know why but these make my hormones levels raise to heights that would one would consider above and beyond normal.

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Peace.

New New New

So I am working on becoming a new and improved me. I think it’s about that time. I got a lot out of my system and am now renovating myself. I figure, if I put my best foot forward with this then it will lead to a better and brighter future. For one, I need to break out of my shell completely and go sky diving, but perhaps I should try being less of an introvert. I’m terribly antisocial. I don’t get along with people, especially females, and while I do not necessarily want to change this, I would like to tweak it a little. Who knows, I may have been missing out on meeting some great people because I was always so locked up in myself.

I also got back on the horse and starting writing once again. I am almost at the limit I set for myself as well. Every week, I need to to atleast 9 pages on the story I was working on. I want to hit Chapter 14 before mid April, and then I can start uploading them every week again. This way, I stay ahead of my updates, and ready for the next each and every time. I’m happy with this. Weight loss? I’m in no rush anymore. In fact, I think I may leave the ROTC program that I joined. It’s not for me. I’m not interested in the military and I Can’t finish the whole program anyways because I’m graduating right around the corner. I’ll take my PE classes like I should or PLS. And, I’ll try to hit the gym or at least run around my neighborhood. At home, I can do what I can. Eating healthier will forever take time. So will drinking so much water but If I practice then I know I can do it.

Love? I’m putting love on hold. I need to focus on ME instead of WE because obviously he is focusing on HIM while I’m over here giving myself an aneurysm for no reason. My daughter is who needs my ultimate focus right now. Everyone else can pretty much wait. If not, then oh well.

Personal social networks are dead to me. All they do is put thoughts in my head that don’t need to be there. As such, I’ve already long deleted my twitter and I’m about to say bye bye to facebook. I’ll keep the facebook page for this site however because I like to have more than one outlet. But it won’t be personal use obviously. It will be for my writing whether it is poems, short stories, blog updates and the like.

So, yeah, I did a lot of thinking especially after talking to those closest to me. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do either so if anyone decides to stop speaking to me for whatever reason then oh well. It’s my life, I shall live it how I want. I need to focus on me. It’s about time I did.  and I’m starting……………

Now.

Just give me a Reason

Just give me a reason just a little bit’s enough, just a second we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again!

The song practically speaks for itself. When Truth about Love originally came out, I depressed myself for a few days listening to this song because it just seems like the perfect song for when you feel like your relationship is falling apart. It hasn’t failed, but it’s getting some dents and bending and you don’t know how to react.

I find it funny how Pink was like “Everything is broken” and Nate is like “It’s all in your head” and this is exactly how it is in some relationships (Cough mine cough). You think something is wrong but everything is actually fine but all you really need is a reason, something so small, anything,  to help you feel a bit more secure.

I just can’t

I can’t picture anyone daydreaming about me.

I can’t picture someone thinking about me when they’re laying in bed before they fall asleep or when they just wake up.

I can’t picture anyone telling their friends about me.

I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I hugged them, or even just because I made eye contact with them.

I can’t picture someone smiling because my name lit up their phone.

I just can’t.

Maybe someone does.

But I honestly just can’t picture it.

And it’s sad because I do. Every day. Every moment.

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The Break is over

Guess who’s back? Back again? Kida’s back! Tell a friend! Now everyone report to the Blog page, to the blog page, to the blog page. Now everyone report to the blog page, alright stop…..Rambling time!

You have no idea how much fun I had with that just now. Seriously. Slim Shady is always a means for good fun.

Anywho.

I took a break for pretty much the entire month of december because, well, it’s the holidays; time for eating, sleeping, fun, more sleep, shenanigans, and elicit activities. For me, it was just mostly sleeping and eating and cuddling.

Yes, I said cuddling.

I had the best surprise ever this christmas. On Christmas day itself the love of my life (hush) returned from Germany! I wasn’t expecting it all because I was thoroughly lied to! I was told he would not be coming at all until summer of 2013 because of some passport nonsense of the other, but it was just one big lie the whole time! I don’t trust anything he says now about when he is coming again but it was the best surprise ever. Like the child I am, I cried like a big slobbering baby when he came. Our daughter on the hand, because she’s much more mature than I am at just 4 months old, just stared at him, while probably wonder if she could spit and dribble on this guy too. Needless to say, she did. Mission Accomplished on Baby’s part.

He spent almost everyday at my place, learning the ways of parenthood and emptying out his pockets because babies are expensive and this one plans to eat us out of house and home. We went a few times, nothing fancy, but each moment was still precious. I think Shira (our daughter) has a love//hate thing with him because he insists on “Cutting her cheeks.” The fool enjoyed making a scissors with his fingers and squeezing poor Shira’s cheeks between them (Not hard of course). She hates it. Oh and there was his habit of making her follow his iphone, and telling her “Let’s sleep” when he knows she had no intentions of sleeping.Sigh. I think I have two kids now that I think about it.

Him aside, December to Early January marked the beginning of the 60th anniversary of the Crucian Christmas festival. It was huge, it was grand, it was filled with dancing, parades, lights, costumes, food, music, rides, games, food, wild and worthless behavior and food! I saw many faces that thought I had disappeared from the planet because I am such an antisocial person that refuses to leave her house. If I had a dollar for everyone that said “That’s Markida? or Markida that’s you?” I would probably be swimming in cash right about now.

But it has come to a close and now begins the start of Spring Semester 2013. I have four classes this semester, and I am actually looking forward to them. Can’t wait! I plan to work hard and Play hard this semester! It’s a new year and I would like to start getting my life on track.

Peace.

I wanna grow old with you

If there was ever a song that would perfectly describe how I feel about my relationship, it would be “I wanna grow old with you” by Westlife. I try not to be overly sappy, but there has never been a song that speaks so clearly to me. It was to the point that I Actually cried listening to it, and like the fool that I am, I had the song on repeat so the tears didn’t stop any time. As a matter of fact, I’m laying here right now (or was by the time yall read this) tearing up, and singing along in the worst, sobbing, hysterical voice right now.

“Another day Without your smile. Another day just passes by, But now I know How much it means For you to stay Right here with me

It’s been ten very long months without him. I know people are probably thinking “that’s not very long” but truth be told, we’re almost always separated. When we first got together I wasn’t there to spend Christmas with him, then there was school, then summer came and I was on vacation again. We managed to spend one Christmas together and in February, he was gone, and I haven’t seen him since.

“The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger But it hurt so bad I can’t take it any longer”

I’ve been doing a great job at holding it together in front of everyone. And we have a daughter, the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen, and who knows when she’ll see him. I keep hoping for the coming summer because we already know he won’t be here for Christmas. The joys of the military huh. It really hurts you know. Not seeing him. I look forward to hearing his voice every time, even if it’s just for two measly minutes it’s better than nothing. I try not to let myself cry, and I hide his statuses on facebook. Yeah, I don’t want to see. If I have to, I’ll just go on his page when I feel like it, but I can’t take having to see him pop up, always right when I’m thinking about him, and then having to go sob like a big baby because I get all emotional. But when it comes down to it, when we see each other again, I’m going to cherish every waking moment.

“A thousand miles between us now. It causes me to wonder how Our love tonight remains so strong.It makes our risk right all along”

I wish he were stationed in America. At least then the chances of seeing him would have been greater, but he’s not. Our luck is terrible. Of course he would be stationed in Germany. Another country, five/six hour difference. When I’m asleep, he’s just waking up. We’re lucky to be up at the same time. If I’m up with him, he has to work, and then he’s probably too tired after that. I’m okay with a good morning/good night text here and there. At least he’s thinking of me. I send him pictures everyday. Even if we don’t talk, I like him to know I’m thinking of him too. Always. Every minute.

“Things can come and go I know but  Baby I believe Something’s burning strong between us”

I get a lot of questions about our relationship. I get a lot of doubts as well. How long will it last? How soon before the distance becomes too much? Will you get married? What if he’s cheating on you? I try not to think about any of these things. We’re in love. I know it, he knows it. We don’t harass each other online. There’s no need. People wonder about that too. They always have something negative to comment about. We don’t need to broadcast it to the world.

Him and I, we used to argue so much. Majority of it was me and my insecurities. I always had a problem with something. That’s changed. I couldn’t tell you the last time we fought. There’s nothing to fight about. I can’t stand to see couples fighting over little things now. You should be grateful you have your loved one so close to you. Enjoy it. You never know when you’ll end up separated.

“I wanna grow old with you I wanna die lying in your arms. I wanna grow old with you I wanna be looking in your eyes. I wanna be there for you, Sharing everything you do.”

For now, I’ll settle with what I can get. Damn I miss him. He’s always worried our daughter willl cry when she finally sees him. Truth be told, the two of them will probably be laughing and I’ll be the one in tears. I just want my family whole again. I’ll be counting down the days until that time comes.

“I wanna grow old with you”