New New New

So I am working on becoming a new and improved me. I think it’s about that time. I got a lot out of my system and am now renovating myself. I figure, if I put my best foot forward with this then it will lead to a better and brighter future. For one, I need to break out of my shell completely and go sky diving, but perhaps I should try being less of an introvert. I’m terribly antisocial. I don’t get along with people, especially females, and while I do not necessarily want to change this, I would like to tweak it a little. Who knows, I may have been missing out on meeting some great people because I was always so locked up in myself.

I also got back on the horse and starting writing once again. I am almost at the limit I set for myself as well. Every week, I need to to atleast 9 pages on the story I was working on. I want to hit Chapter 14 before mid April, and then I can start uploading them every week again. This way, I stay ahead of my updates, and ready for the next each and every time. I’m happy with this. Weight loss? I’m in no rush anymore. In fact, I think I may leave the ROTC program that I joined. It’s not for me. I’m not interested in the military and I Can’t finish the whole program anyways because I’m graduating right around the corner. I’ll take my PE classes like I should or PLS. And, I’ll try to hit the gym or at least run around my neighborhood. At home, I can do what I can. Eating healthier will forever take time. So will drinking so much water but If I practice then I know I can do it.

Love? I’m putting love on hold. I need to focus on ME instead of WE because obviously he is focusing on HIM while I’m over here giving myself an aneurysm for no reason. My daughter is who needs my ultimate focus right now. Everyone else can pretty much wait. If not, then oh well.

Personal social networks are dead to me. All they do is put thoughts in my head that don’t need to be there. As such, I’ve already long deleted my twitter and I’m about to say bye bye to facebook. I’ll keep the facebook page for this site however because I like to have more than one outlet. But it won’t be personal use obviously. It will be for my writing whether it is poems, short stories, blog updates and the like.

So, yeah, I did a lot of thinking especially after talking to those closest to me. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do either so if anyone decides to stop speaking to me for whatever reason then oh well. It’s my life, I shall live it how I want. I need to focus on me. It’s about time I did.  and I’m starting……………



Being Angry

Folks fail to realize how tiring it is to be angry all the time. It’s such an energy absorbing emotion and I honestly can’t keep up with it anymore. I had to delete a previous post because my “fuck it” kicked in at the moment. Really, I don’t have the time. I have a daughter to handle and I cant afford to return home, after a long day, seething about something I cannot control. Financial wise aside, I feel like a single mother. Well, according tot he government, I AM a single mother. So I guess I should. I’d like for someone to text me and ask me “How am I doing.” No, not “How’s the baby,” Not “What’s the baby doing,” None of that. The baby is fine. She has been fine. What about her mother? I mean, she obviously didn’t get here on her own. Some of you may be saying, well, isn’t that why you have a boyfriend. Because boyfriends are supposed to take the stress away and make you feel good about yourself, and say just the right things even if they are some of the stupidest things they could think of saying. But no. I’m in love with an oblivious jackass, so no, I don’t get that. So, I go hone stressed, deal with constantly nagging relatives, a baby, school work, the stifling reminder that I am unemployed, and the person you expect to pop in and say something as simple as “It’s okay babe” or some sappy shit like that, can’t do it because his seconds are apparently caught up doing other things that come before me.

And I’m tired of it. I’m not going to talk about it anymore. No more posts, no more texts, no more calls, no more hints. Nothing.


Taking an extended emotional vacation.


My body is ready

I’ve been editing the story I have been writing and semi-neglecting. Now and again I lose the ability to keep focused, but I’ve been getting it back. So, I was pretty focused for like an hour today and while writing I found myself inexplicably turned on by what I was writing. Why? Because I am too aware that it will be some time before I get to indulge in the very thing I am writing about. And, the more I think about it, the more it both frustrates and entices me. I guess I am a glutton for punishment. I blame my friend abigahil for this. She insisted that I write erotic short stories and now that’s all my head is filled with. Am I the only one that envisions myself and the person I am interested in as the characters in the story? I hope not.

So, I’m here, reading and writing and thinking to myself that when I see my boyfriend again I might find myself backflipping into the bed, striking and pose and whispering “Come, my body is ready.”


My body is ready

Just give me a Reason

Just give me a reason just a little bit’s enough, just a second we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again!

The song practically speaks for itself. When Truth about Love originally came out, I depressed myself for a few days listening to this song because it just seems like the perfect song for when you feel like your relationship is falling apart. It hasn’t failed, but it’s getting some dents and bending and you don’t know how to react.

I find it funny how Pink was like “Everything is broken” and Nate is like “It’s all in your head” and this is exactly how it is in some relationships (Cough mine cough). You think something is wrong but everything is actually fine but all you really need is a reason, something so small, anything,  to help you feel a bit more secure.

I just can’t

I can’t picture anyone daydreaming about me.

I can’t picture someone thinking about me when they’re laying in bed before they fall asleep or when they just wake up.

I can’t picture anyone telling their friends about me.

I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I hugged them, or even just because I made eye contact with them.

I can’t picture someone smiling because my name lit up their phone.

I just can’t.

Maybe someone does.

But I honestly just can’t picture it.

And it’s sad because I do. Every day. Every moment.


He ate my ice cream

No, this is not a sexual innuendo. This is a tale of hurt and betrayal. A tale about how easily trust can be broken when your back is turned.

Okay, it’s not that serious, but it’s just as bad.

So, during the break when the Lovely other half was here, I was being nice and decided to bring him some ice cream. It was done out of the kindness of my heart, as was many things during his visit.

So I go to the kitchen and grab a cup for both of us a cup. His cup was larger than mine in height and in width (the black cup in the photo), and mines was the transparent cup. I didn’t want a lot and figured he would enjoy having a large amount.

I fill his cup beyond capacity and barely full mines at all. I was also trying to save some ice cream for later.

I return to the bedroom where he was laying back, chilling with his phone in hand as usual. I had him his cup and rest my mines on the night stand near my bed.

This is where the betrayal begins.

Our daughter demands attention. I take her and deliver her to my grandmother with the necessary items that she would be needing and I also linger a bit to show my grandmother my schedule for my classes. When that was over I return to the room.

Upon arrival, I notice something strange about the room.

His cup was on the nightstand, and he was back on his phone. But something was bothering me.

601217_195881667224370_1432133453_nAs I near my cup, I come upon the scene of the crime.

The Bastard Ate My Ice Cream. 

As my face takes on the lock of shock, he has the audacity to bellow out with laughter. Of course he knew what he had done.

I attack.

In the midst of me trying to beat him up (which by the way was pointless because he laughed throughout the entire beating) He asks “They weren’t mine?” WHAT?

He explains to me and I quote! “I thought you brought both cups for me because mine was so little”

Greedy bastard says what?

He didn’t even apologize! He just laughed and kept repeating that he thought both was for him when he damn well knew the other one was mine! I wished the worst of all tummy hurts on him but my prayers went unanswered and I had to return to the kitchen and finish what was left in the ice cream bowl. Yes I got ice cream after all but it wasn’t the same!

I continue to futilely beat him to a pulp and promise not to ever leave food lying around when he was nearby.

If you can’t trust a man with your food, what can you trust him with?!

Nothing! Nothing I tell you.

Are you a good friend?

There is more to being a friend than just saying they are your friend. There is more to it than talking everyday. There certainly is more to it than just seeing the person regularly.For one, friends don’t let friends leave the house looking like a hurricane just passed through and all their good clothes were blown away. Friends don’t let friends walk around with a possible bird nest on their head. This is just basics.

Have you ever seen someone and thought to yourself “Wow, they must not have any friends?” I see it too often.

A friendship should always be honest. If your friend doesn’t look up to par, tell them, but try not to embarrass them. There is a right and wrong way to do things, especially if you know that your friend is sensitive.

When asked, you should always give them an honest answer even if it may hurt their feelings a little. Obviously if they asked for your opinion it’s because they want the truth.

Friends do not use each other. Ever had that one “friend” who only talks to you when they need something? That’s not a friend. That person is using you. I have friends that have vehicles and I always shake my head as I watch them carry someone from place to place, but the minute the car stops working this person is nowhere to be found. Hmm, I wonder why.

When your friend is wrong, let them know they are wrong. Too many times I’ve seen someone enter an altercation and even though the person involved is completely wrong and out of line, the other person stands up for them. You are not helping your friend at all. In fact, I don’t consider that an act of friendship.

“Time” does not matter in friendships. If you are truly friends, not hearing from the person in several days would not make you stop being their friend. Maybe they have life problems to deal with, maybe they don’t feel like speaking at the moment. True friends can go months without speaking to each other and when they finally do, it’s like they never stopped speaking at all.

Does your friend have habits that are of concern to you? You should voice them. You don’t have to ask them to change, but you should let it be known that it bothers you. Maybe you can find middle ground.

Now, here are some things that get iffy to when it comes to friendships.

Do you drop a friend because they do not get along with your Boyfriend//Girlfriend? This is something that bothers me. I’ve seen friendships come to an end because their friend didn’t see eye to eye with their significant other. Why should they get along? Your relationship is your relationship. It really has nothing to do with your friend.

If your friend sees your significant other cheating on you do you expect them to tell you? and if they don’t would you drop them? This is something to really think about. For one, unless it can be backed up by complete, undeniable facts, the friend shouldn’t even bring it up. However, say you see the Person in question tonguing down someone who isn’t your friend, would you tell them? If your answer is “No” then you’re not a very good friend. How can you sit there, and watch your friend be all cuddly with someone who was just tongue wrestling another person. Don’t you feel a tinge of guilt knowing that you are letting your friend continue in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect them? If you can, I shake my head at you. That’s just awful.

If a friend gets into a physical fight are you supposed to get involved even if it doesn’t concern you? Suppose the people fighting are both friends of yours, how do you respond to this? I’ve never had this problem. Why? Because I am never around when an altercation takes place. How would I handle this? I’m a big girl, I’ll just stop the damn thing. Honestly, life is too short to be fighting and I’m sure majority of the time the fight is over something completely retarded.  Unless I have been physically harmed, I’m not about to attack someone. Let’s all just be mature about the situation. I rather handle the situation where at least my friend an I can walk away without any repercussions, as opposed to it being one big stupid fight and someone ends up dead or in jail.

And, lastly  if your friend doesn’t like someone are you supposed to dislike that person as well? Doesn’t that just sound awfully petty? Why should you dislike someone that has done nothing to you just because your friend doesn’t like them? I feel that unless someone gives you a reason to dislike them, then you shouldn’t be so quick to dislike them as well. Though, because people are so petty, because your friend doesn’t like someone, that person naturally hates you as well because you are that person’s friend. It is sad, but that is the world we live in.

In all, being honest is the best way to keep and maintain a friendship. You should both be working to make each other better people. Due to society, you are who you hang out with, but it only makes sense. If you hang out with trouble, trouble is sure to find you regardless if you are involved or not. So, be wary of those you call friends and be good to those that are good to you.

Tata for now!