New New New

So I am working on becoming a new and improved me. I think it’s about that time. I got a lot out of my system and am now renovating myself. I figure, if I put my best foot forward with this then it will lead to a better and brighter future. For one, I need to break out of my shell completely and go sky diving, but perhaps I should try being less of an introvert. I’m terribly antisocial. I don’t get along with people, especially females, and while I do not necessarily want to change this, I would like to tweak it a little. Who knows, I may have been missing out on meeting some great people because I was always so locked up in myself.

I also got back on the horse and starting writing once again. I am almost at the limit I set for myself as well. Every week, I need to to atleast 9 pages on the story I was working on. I want to hit Chapter 14 before mid April, and then I can start uploading them every week again. This way, I stay ahead of my updates, and ready for the next each and every time. I’m happy with this. Weight loss? I’m in no rush anymore. In fact, I think I may leave the ROTC program that I joined. It’s not for me. I’m not interested in the military and I Can’t finish the whole program anyways because I’m graduating right around the corner. I’ll take my PE classes like I should or PLS. And, I’ll try to hit the gym or at least run around my neighborhood. At home, I can do what I can. Eating healthier will forever take time. So will drinking so much water but If I practice then I know I can do it.

Love? I’m putting love on hold. I need to focus on ME instead of WE because obviously he is focusing on HIM while I’m over here giving myself an aneurysm for no reason. My daughter is who needs my ultimate focus right now. Everyone else can pretty much wait. If not, then oh well.

Personal social networks are dead to me. All they do is put thoughts in my head that don’t need to be there. As such, I’ve already long deleted my twitter and I’m about to say bye bye to facebook. I’ll keep the facebook page for this site however because I like to have more than one outlet. But it won’t be personal use obviously. It will be for my writing whether it is poems, short stories, blog updates and the like.

So, yeah, I did a lot of thinking especially after talking to those closest to me. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do either so if anyone decides to stop speaking to me for whatever reason then oh well. It’s my life, I shall live it how I want. I need to focus on me. It’s about time I did.  and I’m starting……………

Now.

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Being Angry

Folks fail to realize how tiring it is to be angry all the time. It’s such an energy absorbing emotion and I honestly can’t keep up with it anymore. I had to delete a previous post because my “fuck it” kicked in at the moment. Really, I don’t have the time. I have a daughter to handle and I cant afford to return home, after a long day, seething about something I cannot control. Financial wise aside, I feel like a single mother. Well, according tot he government, I AM a single mother. So I guess I should. I’d like for someone to text me and ask me “How am I doing.” No, not “How’s the baby,” Not “What’s the baby doing,” None of that. The baby is fine. She has been fine. What about her mother? I mean, she obviously didn’t get here on her own. Some of you may be saying, well, isn’t that why you have a boyfriend. Because boyfriends are supposed to take the stress away and make you feel good about yourself, and say just the right things even if they are some of the stupidest things they could think of saying. But no. I’m in love with an oblivious jackass, so no, I don’t get that. So, I go hone stressed, deal with constantly nagging relatives, a baby, school work, the stifling reminder that I am unemployed, and the person you expect to pop in and say something as simple as “It’s okay babe” or some sappy shit like that, can’t do it because his seconds are apparently caught up doing other things that come before me.

And I’m tired of it. I’m not going to talk about it anymore. No more posts, no more texts, no more calls, no more hints. Nothing.

Sincerely,

Taking an extended emotional vacation.

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My body is ready

I’ve been editing the story I have been writing and semi-neglecting. Now and again I lose the ability to keep focused, but I’ve been getting it back. So, I was pretty focused for like an hour today and while writing I found myself inexplicably turned on by what I was writing. Why? Because I am too aware that it will be some time before I get to indulge in the very thing I am writing about. And, the more I think about it, the more it both frustrates and entices me. I guess I am a glutton for punishment. I blame my friend abigahil for this. She insisted that I write erotic short stories and now that’s all my head is filled with. Am I the only one that envisions myself and the person I am interested in as the characters in the story? I hope not.

So, I’m here, reading and writing and thinking to myself that when I see my boyfriend again I might find myself backflipping into the bed, striking and pose and whispering “Come, my body is ready.”

Peace.

My body is ready

Just give me a Reason

Just give me a reason just a little bit’s enough, just a second we’re not broken just bent and we can learn to love again!

The song practically speaks for itself. When Truth about Love originally came out, I depressed myself for a few days listening to this song because it just seems like the perfect song for when you feel like your relationship is falling apart. It hasn’t failed, but it’s getting some dents and bending and you don’t know how to react.

I find it funny how Pink was like “Everything is broken” and Nate is like “It’s all in your head” and this is exactly how it is in some relationships (Cough mine cough). You think something is wrong but everything is actually fine but all you really need is a reason, something so small, anything,  to help you feel a bit more secure.

I just can’t

I can’t picture anyone daydreaming about me.

I can’t picture someone thinking about me when they’re laying in bed before they fall asleep or when they just wake up.

I can’t picture anyone telling their friends about me.

I can’t picture anyone getting butterflies because I hugged them, or even just because I made eye contact with them.

I can’t picture someone smiling because my name lit up their phone.

I just can’t.

Maybe someone does.

But I honestly just can’t picture it.

And it’s sad because I do. Every day. Every moment.

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The Break is over

Guess who’s back? Back again? Kida’s back! Tell a friend! Now everyone report to the Blog page, to the blog page, to the blog page. Now everyone report to the blog page, alright stop…..Rambling time!

You have no idea how much fun I had with that just now. Seriously. Slim Shady is always a means for good fun.

Anywho.

I took a break for pretty much the entire month of december because, well, it’s the holidays; time for eating, sleeping, fun, more sleep, shenanigans, and elicit activities. For me, it was just mostly sleeping and eating and cuddling.

Yes, I said cuddling.

I had the best surprise ever this christmas. On Christmas day itself the love of my life (hush) returned from Germany! I wasn’t expecting it all because I was thoroughly lied to! I was told he would not be coming at all until summer of 2013 because of some passport nonsense of the other, but it was just one big lie the whole time! I don’t trust anything he says now about when he is coming again but it was the best surprise ever. Like the child I am, I cried like a big slobbering baby when he came. Our daughter on the hand, because she’s much more mature than I am at just 4 months old, just stared at him, while probably wonder if she could spit and dribble on this guy too. Needless to say, she did. Mission Accomplished on Baby’s part.

He spent almost everyday at my place, learning the ways of parenthood and emptying out his pockets because babies are expensive and this one plans to eat us out of house and home. We went a few times, nothing fancy, but each moment was still precious. I think Shira (our daughter) has a love//hate thing with him because he insists on “Cutting her cheeks.” The fool enjoyed making a scissors with his fingers and squeezing poor Shira’s cheeks between them (Not hard of course). She hates it. Oh and there was his habit of making her follow his iphone, and telling her “Let’s sleep” when he knows she had no intentions of sleeping.Sigh. I think I have two kids now that I think about it.

Him aside, December to Early January marked the beginning of the 60th anniversary of the Crucian Christmas festival. It was huge, it was grand, it was filled with dancing, parades, lights, costumes, food, music, rides, games, food, wild and worthless behavior and food! I saw many faces that thought I had disappeared from the planet because I am such an antisocial person that refuses to leave her house. If I had a dollar for everyone that said “That’s Markida? or Markida that’s you?” I would probably be swimming in cash right about now.

But it has come to a close and now begins the start of Spring Semester 2013. I have four classes this semester, and I am actually looking forward to them. Can’t wait! I plan to work hard and Play hard this semester! It’s a new year and I would like to start getting my life on track.

Peace.

I wanna grow old with you

If there was ever a song that would perfectly describe how I feel about my relationship, it would be “I wanna grow old with you” by Westlife. I try not to be overly sappy, but there has never been a song that speaks so clearly to me. It was to the point that I Actually cried listening to it, and like the fool that I am, I had the song on repeat so the tears didn’t stop any time. As a matter of fact, I’m laying here right now (or was by the time yall read this) tearing up, and singing along in the worst, sobbing, hysterical voice right now.

“Another day Without your smile. Another day just passes by, But now I know How much it means For you to stay Right here with me

It’s been ten very long months without him. I know people are probably thinking “that’s not very long” but truth be told, we’re almost always separated. When we first got together I wasn’t there to spend Christmas with him, then there was school, then summer came and I was on vacation again. We managed to spend one Christmas together and in February, he was gone, and I haven’t seen him since.

“The time we spent apart will make our love grow stronger But it hurt so bad I can’t take it any longer”

I’ve been doing a great job at holding it together in front of everyone. And we have a daughter, the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen, and who knows when she’ll see him. I keep hoping for the coming summer because we already know he won’t be here for Christmas. The joys of the military huh. It really hurts you know. Not seeing him. I look forward to hearing his voice every time, even if it’s just for two measly minutes it’s better than nothing. I try not to let myself cry, and I hide his statuses on facebook. Yeah, I don’t want to see. If I have to, I’ll just go on his page when I feel like it, but I can’t take having to see him pop up, always right when I’m thinking about him, and then having to go sob like a big baby because I get all emotional. But when it comes down to it, when we see each other again, I’m going to cherish every waking moment.

“A thousand miles between us now. It causes me to wonder how Our love tonight remains so strong.It makes our risk right all along”

I wish he were stationed in America. At least then the chances of seeing him would have been greater, but he’s not. Our luck is terrible. Of course he would be stationed in Germany. Another country, five/six hour difference. When I’m asleep, he’s just waking up. We’re lucky to be up at the same time. If I’m up with him, he has to work, and then he’s probably too tired after that. I’m okay with a good morning/good night text here and there. At least he’s thinking of me. I send him pictures everyday. Even if we don’t talk, I like him to know I’m thinking of him too. Always. Every minute.

“Things can come and go I know but  Baby I believe Something’s burning strong between us”

I get a lot of questions about our relationship. I get a lot of doubts as well. How long will it last? How soon before the distance becomes too much? Will you get married? What if he’s cheating on you? I try not to think about any of these things. We’re in love. I know it, he knows it. We don’t harass each other online. There’s no need. People wonder about that too. They always have something negative to comment about. We don’t need to broadcast it to the world.

Him and I, we used to argue so much. Majority of it was me and my insecurities. I always had a problem with something. That’s changed. I couldn’t tell you the last time we fought. There’s nothing to fight about. I can’t stand to see couples fighting over little things now. You should be grateful you have your loved one so close to you. Enjoy it. You never know when you’ll end up separated.

“I wanna grow old with you I wanna die lying in your arms. I wanna grow old with you I wanna be looking in your eyes. I wanna be there for you, Sharing everything you do.”

For now, I’ll settle with what I can get. Damn I miss him. He’s always worried our daughter willl cry when she finally sees him. Truth be told, the two of them will probably be laughing and I’ll be the one in tears. I just want my family whole again. I’ll be counting down the days until that time comes.

“I wanna grow old with you”