People Care TOO much

I wasn’t going to write a post today because exams are here and I have finals to study for as well as projects to finish. However, a recent incident provoked me into venting or else I would have a building rage inside of me and most likely would take it out on the nearest person. As to prevent an unwarranted outburst, I took to the blog where it is safer (physically) for others.

I learned some unfortunate news via facebook and like most news of this category, I find that is completely DISRESPECTFUL to post such things on net before even being sure if the family or close friends of the person are aware. Worst if the situation is only a rumor and has not been proven true by of course the family or news. Because of this, I wrote a post and it went as such:

“My timeline went from 0 – 200 in less than a 60 seconds. When you all hear rumors I beg that you learn the facts before you subject others to premature heart attacks. It’s only right and respectful because you never know whom you are hurting when you post something that turns out to be false! Especially in cases of death!”

The case, is in fact, of death. That was my status. My aim was not to hurt anyone and as you can clearly see, if your comprehension skills are up to par, it basically says that if you are not sure if someone has passed, don’t write about it on Facebook because it is disrespectful.

So I get a phone call about it from one of my friends whom, basically tells me to take it down because I don’t know who I will make mad because of it.

#Pause #Brake #HoldThePhone

For one, I didn’t insult anyone, I didn’t attack anyone, I was pretty polite and used excellent mannerisms as opposed to going “Shut the Fuck up if you don’t know if it’s true” Which is really what I was thinking.

Secondly, I’m not about to pull the “It’s my facebook, I can write what I want” stunt, because while it is true, that doesn’t make it right, however, what I will say, is that If you become aggravated because of something I write, then most likely it is because you’re possibly guilty of what I am writing of, easily offended, and all around childish. My statuses, while they may come off as harsh, are usually things people are THINKING but are too busy pussyfooting around the matter or just too chicken to say it. So, I say it and I say it kindly (lately because I am not always this kind).

You know why people don’t say the things they really want to say? It’s not because they are considerate or believe in “Have nothing nice to say then say nothing.” No, it’s because they care too much about how others will perceive them if they voice their opinion.

And THAT right there is the problem with Society. Especially Virgin Island Society. Everyone wants to voice an opinion only when their opinion follows the standards of the opinions of others. Majority of the time, when they post opinions about hard hitting situations, their “Opinions” are EXACTLY THE SAME as the others that have posted before, only worded differently. It’s like reading the same sets of statuses over and over and while people think they are getting a point across, they are not. So we end up stagnant in this perpetual cycle of POINTLESS thoughts because everyone was too busy being a copy cat. That too is why nothing changes. I compare it to how the government is ran. They’re keeping the same set of workers (opinions and thoughts) and not incorporating new ones,  thus leaving no room for GROWTH.

I am not going to be mum because I may hurt someone’s feelings. Perhaps they need their feelings to be hurt.

I am sick and tired of learning about deaths through facebook before there is any clarity of the situation and I am sure that the families and close friends of these people feel the same. It is downright disrespectful and if you feel that I am “Going to make someone mad” by saying so, then so be it. Let them Be mad. I could not care less.

Oh and let’s all be prepared for the picstitches, the long statuses about how long they knew the person or were so close, the “We need to come together // do better as a community” statuses, and The whiners going “This only happens in the VI” whom are followed by the “I’m moving out of the VI” to go, oh you know, the states where people get blown up running, shot in movie theaters, schools, churches, the list goes on.

Yeah. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of this cycle. It’s the same pattern, by the SAME SET OF FUCKING PEOPLE, every single time and you know what, it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even think they are saying these things to be considerate. I think they are saying it to get likes, to seem sympathetic and of course to follow the “Opinion trend.”

That is all.

Peace.

Almost doesn’t count with College

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY OF THE SEMESTER!!!!!! for UVI (the university of the Virgin Islands). Can you tell that I am hella excited? I sure hope you can! Exams are next week then I am Free At last! Free At Last! Thank God Almighty.

But then I have to return the following two weeks after for summer Classes and then after those 6 weeks are over, I have to come back in august…or is it September? Regardless, I have to come back, and suffer all over again.

Which is why Almost doesn’t count with College.

There is nothing more aggravating than having someone sit there and tell you “Well, you’re almost over.” *Insert their stupid smiling face*. You could have kept that statement to yourself. It’s not reassuring. All you’re doing is reminding me that I have to return to this hellish place, the bane of my existence, because it ISN’T over.

I think, for most college students, the sentence we really want to hear is “CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’VE GRADUATED” and everything else that doesn’t say that is worthless.

It’s like highschool all over again. I’m always excited the first day of classes because it means another semester is about to go by. Then I hate the rest of the semester until the very last day. It’s a system if you will. You don’t mess with the system. And “Almost” doesn’t apply in the system. The system is black and white. I am in college until I am no longer in college either by graduation or dropout…regardless, there is no almost here.

It’s like having that teacher that returns your test and goes “Oh, you almost passed!” Yeah, I bet that makes you feel giddy about that big ass F you just received.

That aside. SCHOOL IS OUT!!!!!

its-friday-fuck-this-shit

New New New

So I am working on becoming a new and improved me. I think it’s about that time. I got a lot out of my system and am now renovating myself. I figure, if I put my best foot forward with this then it will lead to a better and brighter future. For one, I need to break out of my shell completely and go sky diving, but perhaps I should try being less of an introvert. I’m terribly antisocial. I don’t get along with people, especially females, and while I do not necessarily want to change this, I would like to tweak it a little. Who knows, I may have been missing out on meeting some great people because I was always so locked up in myself.

I also got back on the horse and starting writing once again. I am almost at the limit I set for myself as well. Every week, I need to to atleast 9 pages on the story I was working on. I want to hit Chapter 14 before mid April, and then I can start uploading them every week again. This way, I stay ahead of my updates, and ready for the next each and every time. I’m happy with this. Weight loss? I’m in no rush anymore. In fact, I think I may leave the ROTC program that I joined. It’s not for me. I’m not interested in the military and I Can’t finish the whole program anyways because I’m graduating right around the corner. I’ll take my PE classes like I should or PLS. And, I’ll try to hit the gym or at least run around my neighborhood. At home, I can do what I can. Eating healthier will forever take time. So will drinking so much water but If I practice then I know I can do it.

Love? I’m putting love on hold. I need to focus on ME instead of WE because obviously he is focusing on HIM while I’m over here giving myself an aneurysm for no reason. My daughter is who needs my ultimate focus right now. Everyone else can pretty much wait. If not, then oh well.

Personal social networks are dead to me. All they do is put thoughts in my head that don’t need to be there. As such, I’ve already long deleted my twitter and I’m about to say bye bye to facebook. I’ll keep the facebook page for this site however because I like to have more than one outlet. But it won’t be personal use obviously. It will be for my writing whether it is poems, short stories, blog updates and the like.

So, yeah, I did a lot of thinking especially after talking to those closest to me. I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do either so if anyone decides to stop speaking to me for whatever reason then oh well. It’s my life, I shall live it how I want. I need to focus on me. It’s about time I did.  and I’m starting……………

Now.

Being Angry

Folks fail to realize how tiring it is to be angry all the time. It’s such an energy absorbing emotion and I honestly can’t keep up with it anymore. I had to delete a previous post because my “fuck it” kicked in at the moment. Really, I don’t have the time. I have a daughter to handle and I cant afford to return home, after a long day, seething about something I cannot control. Financial wise aside, I feel like a single mother. Well, according tot he government, I AM a single mother. So I guess I should. I’d like for someone to text me and ask me “How am I doing.” No, not “How’s the baby,” Not “What’s the baby doing,” None of that. The baby is fine. She has been fine. What about her mother? I mean, she obviously didn’t get here on her own. Some of you may be saying, well, isn’t that why you have a boyfriend. Because boyfriends are supposed to take the stress away and make you feel good about yourself, and say just the right things even if they are some of the stupidest things they could think of saying. But no. I’m in love with an oblivious jackass, so no, I don’t get that. So, I go hone stressed, deal with constantly nagging relatives, a baby, school work, the stifling reminder that I am unemployed, and the person you expect to pop in and say something as simple as “It’s okay babe” or some sappy shit like that, can’t do it because his seconds are apparently caught up doing other things that come before me.

And I’m tired of it. I’m not going to talk about it anymore. No more posts, no more texts, no more calls, no more hints. Nothing.

Sincerely,

Taking an extended emotional vacation.

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My body is ready

I’ve been editing the story I have been writing and semi-neglecting. Now and again I lose the ability to keep focused, but I’ve been getting it back. So, I was pretty focused for like an hour today and while writing I found myself inexplicably turned on by what I was writing. Why? Because I am too aware that it will be some time before I get to indulge in the very thing I am writing about. And, the more I think about it, the more it both frustrates and entices me. I guess I am a glutton for punishment. I blame my friend abigahil for this. She insisted that I write erotic short stories and now that’s all my head is filled with. Am I the only one that envisions myself and the person I am interested in as the characters in the story? I hope not.

So, I’m here, reading and writing and thinking to myself that when I see my boyfriend again I might find myself backflipping into the bed, striking and pose and whispering “Come, my body is ready.”

Peace.

My body is ready

The Complete Guide to Not Giving a Fuck

Ok, I have a confession to make.

 
I have spent almost my whole life– 20 years– caring far too much about offending people, worrying if I’m cool enough for them, or asking myself if they are judging me.

 
I can’t take it anymore. It’s stupid, and it’s not good for my well being. It has made me a punching bag– a flighty, nervous wuss. But worse than that, it has made me someone who doesn’t take a stand for anything. It has made me someone who stood in the middle, far too often, and not where I cared to stand, for fear of alienating others. No more. Not today.

 
Today, ladies and gentlemen, is different.

 
We’re going to talk about the cure. We’re going to talk about what’s necessary. We’re going to talk about the truth.
Do you wonder if someone is talking shit about you? Whether your friends will approve? Have you become conflict-avoidant? Spineless?

Well, it’s time you started not giving a fuck.

 People are judging you right now.

Yes, it’s really happening right at this moment. Some people don’t like you, and guess what? There’s nothing you can do about it. No amount of coercion, toadying, or pandering to their interests will help. In fact, the opposite is often true; the more you stand for something, the more they respect you, whether it’s grudgingly or not.

What people truly respect is when you draw the line and say “you will go no further.” They may not like this behavior  but so what? These are people don’t like you anyway, why should you attempt to please people who don’t care for you in the first place?

The first noble truth is that most people don’t even care that you’re alive. Embrace this, my friends, for it is true freedom. The world is vast and you are small, and therefore you may do as you wish and cast your thoughts of those who dislike it to the side.

 You don’t need everyone to like you.

Check this out: when people don’t like you, nothing actually happens. The world does not end. You don’t feel them breathing down your neck. In fact, the more you ignore them and just go about your business, the better off you are.

What you have to do, what you have no choice but to do, is accept it and move on.

It’s your people that matter.

The people who do care about you, and no one else, are those you need to focus on.

Relationships are weird. Once we’re in one (with family, a spouse, whatever), we promptly begin to take the other person for granted and move on to impressing strangers instead– say, our boss. Then, once we’ve impressed our boss, we start taking him for granted too, and so on, in an endless cycle of apathy. It’s like we always prefer to impress and charm the new than to work on what we already have.

But these people– your champions– they understand your quest or your cause. They make you feel good when you’re around them, make you laugh or make you feel like you can just be yourself. They make you feel relaxed or at ease. You’ve shared things with them. They’re important. Focus on them instead.

 Those who don’t give a fuck change the world. The rest do not.

What it takes to move past anything is to simply realize that your obstacle is unimportant, and that it can be dismissed. This is true whether you’re running a marathon or trying to get to Mars.

If you dismiss the things that do not matter; if you remove those things from your mind and focus on what must be done; if you understand that your time is limited and decide to work now; only then will you be able to get to the finish line. Otherwise, you will be dissuaded into living a life you aren’t interested in.

Side note: You need to handle failure and obscurity better. You may be in a tough place right now where you feel lonely or like a loser. No worries, we’ve all been there. But it’s time for you to realize how common these things are, and that they’re experienced by even the most successful and happiest people in the world. Those people get past them, and you will too.

The eye is watching

You want to know something? This actually has nothing to do with anyone else. It has everything to do with you.

Everyone has an internetal eye. It always watching. It has been slowly constructed by society at large and by your friends and family, and it checks you for unacceptable behaviour. If you have had it around for long enough, you actually start to believe that the eye is you, and that you’re “being reasonable” or some other rationalization.

But the eye isn’t you at all. It is a prison, and you have justified its existence by obeying it. It’s strong because you let it be strong.

But the secret, the part that’s amazing, is that it can’t do anything to stop you, even if it wanted to. It’s an eye. It can only watch. The rest of you is free to act as you wish.

Do things that you consider embarrassing.

As I said at the beginning of this post, I am deeply aware and can become quite upset by people’s judgment– I think a lot of people are, but don’t admit it.

Find your internal filters and break them, one at a time.

Accept, or deal with, awkwardness.

It’s widely known that interviewers get their best material by being quiet and allowing silence to force words out of a politician or celebrity.

You may be uncomfortable with silence. I know I still am. But I have been working on it and have to say that it is a much more serene state to be in than trying to cover it up with random babbling just to fill up the air. This is one type of awkwardness, a kind that you should feel comfortable about and learn to live with.

Another kind of social awkwardness is this in-between space where you might have done something wrong or been wronged, but don’t say anything. I’ve been given a few harsh lessons in my time and come away realizing that the freedom that comes from talking about an uncomfortable truth is better than the comfort of avoiding that talk altogether.
Someone told me recently that the Clintons’ method for earning respect in politics is this: if someone pushes you, push back twice as hard. This is much better than awkwardness. It’s clear, it’s not passive aggressive, and you know where you stand.

Refuse boundaries.

Walk where you want to walk. Don’t accept false choices. Don’t let people dictate how you should live your life. Definitely don’t listen to the eye.

Tell the truth.

You don’t need to be an asshole, but the world does not need another conflict-avoidant, evasive person. No one wants another individual who steps in line with everyone else. The status quo is doing fine without you, so it’s up to you to call bullshit if you see it.

Don’t mind-read either. Telling the truth means seeing the truth, not adding your own layer of sugar coating or suspected emotion on top of it.

Begin your new life.

This step can’t happen without the others, but once you’ve gotten here, you can safely begin to explore a whole new world– one where anything you do is fine as long as it isn’t seriously hurting anyone else. Wanna explore old abandoned buildings? No problem, as long as you’re ready to live with the consequences. Feel like hanging from hooks or get whipped by a dominatrix? Go ahead, but be safe about it.

Once you begin on this path, you start to discover that practically everyone is capable of understanding the weird things that you do. In fact, it makes you interesting and worth paying attention to, further feeding into your plans of world domination, should you have any.

But none of this fun can happen without you recognizing, and walking past, the eye. Doing this is a powerful act of control which builds momentum and makes you strong.

Take back your self respect. Do it today– try it right now. Wear something ugly. Do something stupid. Tell someone the truth.

It doesn’t fucking matter.

He ate my ice cream

No, this is not a sexual innuendo. This is a tale of hurt and betrayal. A tale about how easily trust can be broken when your back is turned.

Okay, it’s not that serious, but it’s just as bad.

So, during the break when the Lovely other half was here, I was being nice and decided to bring him some ice cream. It was done out of the kindness of my heart, as was many things during his visit.

So I go to the kitchen and grab a cup for both of us a cup. His cup was larger than mine in height and in width (the black cup in the photo), and mines was the transparent cup. I didn’t want a lot and figured he would enjoy having a large amount.

I fill his cup beyond capacity and barely full mines at all. I was also trying to save some ice cream for later.

I return to the bedroom where he was laying back, chilling with his phone in hand as usual. I had him his cup and rest my mines on the night stand near my bed.

This is where the betrayal begins.

Our daughter demands attention. I take her and deliver her to my grandmother with the necessary items that she would be needing and I also linger a bit to show my grandmother my schedule for my classes. When that was over I return to the room.

Upon arrival, I notice something strange about the room.

His cup was on the nightstand, and he was back on his phone. But something was bothering me.

601217_195881667224370_1432133453_nAs I near my cup, I come upon the scene of the crime.

The Bastard Ate My Ice Cream. 

As my face takes on the lock of shock, he has the audacity to bellow out with laughter. Of course he knew what he had done.

I attack.

In the midst of me trying to beat him up (which by the way was pointless because he laughed throughout the entire beating) He asks “They weren’t mine?” WHAT?

He explains to me and I quote! “I thought you brought both cups for me because mine was so little”

Greedy bastard says what?

He didn’t even apologize! He just laughed and kept repeating that he thought both was for him when he damn well knew the other one was mine! I wished the worst of all tummy hurts on him but my prayers went unanswered and I had to return to the kitchen and finish what was left in the ice cream bowl. Yes I got ice cream after all but it wasn’t the same!

I continue to futilely beat him to a pulp and promise not to ever leave food lying around when he was nearby.

If you can’t trust a man with your food, what can you trust him with?!

Nothing! Nothing I tell you.