At the Wall

Lately, I’ve been an emotional mess.

I cry for no reason, I snap at people for simply asking “Are you okay?”, I feel like burning down houses and then sitting on the ground and crying because the flames would be so pretty and probably because I forgot to take some important things out of the house before committing Arson.

I feel utterly alone even though I really am not, but then I hate to burden others with my problems. Everyone has problems.  What makes mines special?  So I’d sit there, huddled in a corner letting layer upon layer of doubts and concerns and insecurities build over each other until I become stifled and breakdown…Only to repeat the process again. Then I’d make someone who was having a shitty day laugh and be strong for them all the while slowly deteriorating on the inside.

And this is normal…but I say I’ve been a mess because it’s so much worse now.

I always have time for folks. I have too much time on my hands actually. But even when I’m so busy that I might suffocate on all the things I have to do, I always have time for people. After a long day and I’m literally about to collapse on myself, someone would call or text and rather than getting the rest I would so desperately need, I make time for these people…who never have time for me.  How’s the saying go? “If you’re important to another person they will always find a way to make time for you; No excuses, No lies, No broken Promises..”

Ha.

I think I try too hard. I give my all for absolutely no reason. My grandmother always says that it’s supposed to bring good things in the end, but I’m not seeing it. And the messed up part of it all, is that I’m not going to learn. I’m still going to be such a wonderful person to people.

But I’ve hit a wall now.

Before, I used to think that the statement “Tired of being Tired” was stupid. But Now I understand. I am so tired.

I’m at this Wall, and I’m just soo tired…Too tired to climb over it, Too tired to go around it, and far too tired to knock it down.

Instead, I sit and cry infront of this wall, Bitch about how unfair life is and how I just need emotional-support; Whine about the firm hand I need to feel on my back saying “It’s okay, Kida, I’m here for you.”

But when it’s all said and done, I’ll just have puffy red eyes, a running nose, and look at a complete mess.

And the Wall will still be there.

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2 thoughts on “At the Wall

  1. I once gave of myself so much that my sense of self was no longer evident to me, it felt as though my inner-being had completely dissolved into a mire of desperation and despair. I gave years of my life trying to “rescue” others, and unceasingly give of myself. I finally learned that I first had to stop, and take care of myself . If I am to love others, I must be able to enjoy the person I am inside, to be able to feel inner peace, and hear the sound of my own voice, hearing confidence, mirth, joy, understanding. I did not want to be the sack of drear anymore. So, I decided to take care of myself a lot more, and set boundaries- no matter how much I care for others, I can never really be there for anyone if I’m not first able to be there for myself. I pursued my passions and interests, making personal time for myself. Rediscovered myself again. Some people, I had to completely let go of, in order for me to continue to grow, no longer be stunted trying to desperately help those who did not wish to help themselves. I discovered one really important thing, there is a huge difference between kindness, and coddling. I stopped coddling others, when I was being so hurt in return, and sought my own beauty again. Stirring write, here, much to reflect on, and so poignant in its dolefulness. Such raw and honest words I felt so deeply. I hope you may soon find yourself feeling groovy, soon. And, also, amongst true friends- sharing your cares is never a burden. (P.S. apologies this rambled so long, I fear I wrote you a blasted story XD.) Wishing you all the grandest-

    -Autumn Jade

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