At the Wall

Lately, I’ve been an emotional mess.

I cry for no reason, I snap at people for simply asking “Are you okay?”, I feel like burning down houses and then sitting on the ground and crying because the flames would be so pretty and probably because I forgot to take some important things out of the house before committing Arson.

I feel utterly alone even though I really am not, but then I hate to burden others with my problems. Everyone has problems.  What makes mines special?  So I’d sit there, huddled in a corner letting layer upon layer of doubts and concerns and insecurities build over each other until I become stifled and breakdown…Only to repeat the process again. Then I’d make someone who was having a shitty day laugh and be strong for them all the while slowly deteriorating on the inside.

And this is normal…but I say I’ve been a mess because it’s so much worse now.

I always have time for folks. I have too much time on my hands actually. But even when I’m so busy that I might suffocate on all the things I have to do, I always have time for people. After a long day and I’m literally about to collapse on myself, someone would call or text and rather than getting the rest I would so desperately need, I make time for these people…who never have time for me.  How’s the saying go? “If you’re important to another person they will always find a way to make time for you; No excuses, No lies, No broken Promises..”

Ha.

I think I try too hard. I give my all for absolutely no reason. My grandmother always says that it’s supposed to bring good things in the end, but I’m not seeing it. And the messed up part of it all, is that I’m not going to learn. I’m still going to be such a wonderful person to people.

But I’ve hit a wall now.

Before, I used to think that the statement “Tired of being Tired” was stupid. But Now I understand. I am so tired.

I’m at this Wall, and I’m just soo tired…Too tired to climb over it, Too tired to go around it, and far too tired to knock it down.

Instead, I sit and cry infront of this wall, Bitch about how unfair life is and how I just need emotional-support; Whine about the firm hand I need to feel on my back saying “It’s okay, Kida, I’m here for you.”

But when it’s all said and done, I’ll just have puffy red eyes, a running nose, and look at a complete mess.

And the Wall will still be there.

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Distance is a Stupid Hoe

This month marks the Fifth month since I have been without my Boyfriend.

Where is he you ask? He’s in Misery….I mean Missouri for Basic training. He graduated today and while I’m happy for him in this accomplishment I’m pissed that I won’t be seeing him till December if I’m lucky. On Monday, he’ll be in Germany. Even FURTHER away than before.

I personally feel that the military did this on purpose. Though I suppose I can deal with Germany as opposed to Afghanistan.

That’s not the point though.

People always say that when you’re in a relationship you should beware of the exes, the groupies, and the blatant whores, but you know who the true relationship killer is? That Bitch Distance. That Selfish Bitch Distance.

Distance is that stupid hoe that waltzes in as she feels like it, takes your man, and laughs in your face as you suffer days upon months upon years of not being able to see the one you love. And she relishes in this. She’s hovering over me right now, throwing salt in my wounds.

Guess what though? You are not killing my relationship, but still. Damn you nonetheless!

Damn you Distance.

Damn you to hell.

 

I lost my love

I’ve lost my love, have you seen him?
Some months ago he left.
I didn’t noticed then, but I notice now,
the reason my heart wept.
 
I’ve lost my love have you seen him?
It fills me with such woe.
My neglect, it built on shattered care.
Guess that’s why he had to go.
 
I’ve lost my love, I regret it.
But I guess it is too late.
Now I’m teary eyed and dead inside,
But It’s my fault that I’m in this state.
 
I’ve lost my love, and I miss him.
I guess it’s true what they say.
You miss it most, and Miss it bad
When that thing has gone away.
 
I’ve lost my love and it kills me.
I have no place to confide.
He was my anchor, my stable place,
Where I went, when I needed to hide.
 
I’ve lost my love, when I need him,
When I needed him most, and I’m crying.
I wish it were here, like it was before,
But I lost my love for writing.
 
(A poem I wrote when I was had 2 year long writer’s block)

Where’s My Food?

I have a tale to tell. Please do take a seat.

I had this strange craving for chocolate ice cream and tried to get my sister to take me anywhere to get it. Needless to say, she forgot about my pain. However, being the cunning little fox that I am, when she was leaving to take my brothers to some party I decided to tag along for “The drive.” My nefarious plan, of course, was to get her to stop so I could get my ice cream. My other brother wanted something as well, but he’s not important right now.

So, we’re on the road, got rid of the extra testosterone in the car, and Yay! We’re going to get my Ice cream. But not just any ice cream, we decide to go to Wendy’s to get a Frosty instead. Close enough. I get hungry and order food as well, our total was $11.62.

Now here is where I get…Confused.

After we paid for the food, and by we I mean me, My sister drives forward towards the next window….then keeps going.

I can’t express to you what my facial expression was, but I think O.O sums it up pretty well.

The conversation went like this.

  • Me: “Yash, where are you going?”
  • Sis: “Oh, I didn’t want to reverse so I’m going around.”

My brain does a little working here and I think, Oh, well she must have driven a little too far and because she’s weird like that, she’s going to go around. Luckily, there was no one behind us.

And here is where I realize, she’s not being logical, but absent minded.

Not only does she proceed to drive around like she said she would, My sister drove towards the EXIT. WITHOUT. MY. FOOD.

  • Me: “WHERE THE *Censored* ARE YOU GOING????”
  • Sis: “Home” (has the nerve to look at me like ‘Duh’)
  • Me: WHERE’S MY FOOD?!
  • Sis: “What you mean?”
  • Me: “YOU’RE LEAVING WITHOUT MY FOOD!”
  • Sis: “Oh Shit!” *drive around again and back to the window”
  • Me: “F YOU MEAN ‘OH SHIT'”
  • Sis: *hysterically laughing*

Now, you might think she was Joking around, but she was dead serious. She honestly thought we had already picked up the food and was about to drive home and leave my $11.62 behind. 

Thinking back on it, it was pretty funny. But I was seething the entire way home while she was laughing at her own stupidity. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she was high, and while the temptation to throw her out of the vehicle and beat her with my milkshake in the streets of Austell was very strong, I had to remind myself that she was A) she was my sister, B) I needed her to drive home, and most importantly….I really wanted that Milkshake.

Twitter, Facebook, and Relationships

Time and time again I hear that twitter and facebook ruins relationships. This is because people broadcast every and anything about their relationship to others on these social networks.

But that’s not true.

People ruin relationships.

No matter what it is that is posted on these sites, the only thing capable of ruining a relationship is people. If you choose to let what other folks say about your relationship bother you, because of what you posted then that is a personal problem.  It has nothing to do with the site. After all, who placed it there? Was it not you?

Your relationship is determined based on your own actions and the actions of your significant other.  Twitter and facebook have nothing to do with it. Last year I was in a situation where pure ignorance led to me having a large argument with my Boyfriend on both facebook and twitter. We’re still together. It won’t happen again, but if we broke up, it would have been because of the fight and how stupid it was rather than who saw it and had something to say.

People are going to talk no matter what you do anyways. (sick world we live in)

Regardless, If you notice, clearly in the boxes for facebook and Twitter they ask (What’s on your mind and What’s happening). It’s your choice to put whatever you want. It’s your page,and if people have a problem with what you are writing, then maybe they shouldn’t be there. However, You should also realize that somethings are not meant for the worldwide web.

Don’t let a website determine the status of your relationship.

Peace.